Skanky Nerd Land

Sex, Science and Concept Art

Category: Polyamory

Compromises in Polyamory, hearts over candle flame

Compromises in Polyamory

compromise in polyamory, venn diagramI discovered Franklin Veux’s venn diagram for non-monogamy. What this complex diagram brings home is that there’s no one way, or right way to have a non-monogamous relationship and that compromises in polyamory are its essence. The variety of possible relationships and ideal states tells me that everyone starts out with their own arbitrary markers or benchmarks of what’s preferred, tolerated or outright prohibited. Everyone has different comfort levels based on past experiences (or lack thereof), their fears, and what they want out of their relationships. However, experiences change according to the people we meet, and fears can be overcome.

Dani and I have been together for almost six years now, and our markers have slowly moved to accommodate each other. To date, I can’t say he’s tested my boundaries, or that that’s something he would even want to try. Although I constantly test his – because I have a deep seated fear of having my sexuality controlled and I need to have this fear disproven. Although when I discount for the actions and demands I have made due to this fear, I realise we’re on the same page after all. We both want partners that respect our relationship and genuinely want to be part of our lives, as we want to be part of theirs.

Tug of War

Given that we are a non-monogamous species by nature, the ribbon that ties up poly-pandora’s box is held in a tug of war between our feelings of jealousy, and our need for novelty. The freedom we are willing to give, and the freedom we crave.

Some believe jealousy is a cultural construct. Subtle forms… perhaps, but sexual jealousy, and the need to possess a partner (and all its associated behaviours) are fully natural. The one sole purpose of our existence, for most of the time since sexual reproduction was evolved, is to ensure that our genes made it to the next generation. In order for this to happen, we had to find the best mate available to us, and keep this mate around long enough to ensure adequate resources for child rearing. Hence, the existence of jealousy.

Naturally, most of the people I’m familiar with share my world view on the matter. Although I know some to whom infidelity would be unthinkable, if (and only if!) they were in a relationship they were fully happy with. I’m skeptical. Variety is part of a happy, healthy relationship. A friend expressed that the creepiest thing about most couples is that partners were forbidden to express desire for others. So, in fact, most people live a lie. Because of this, we’re serial monogamists more than anything else. This is the most common romantic arrangement.

Mono-Normative Ideologies

Jess went to this conference (Non-monogamies and Contemporary Intimacies) and met a certain Pepper Mint (that really is his name). A quick google search revealed his website, with some interesting pdfs included. A little of preaching to the converted, perhaps, but still worth a read. The only point I disagree on is that the mono-normative ideology is sexist. I daresay monogamy is the result of increased equality between the sexes in the last few centuries, with polygamy the result of increased inequality between the sexes and also within society. Although this may be with respect to monogamy itself and not the ideology, which may well see women at a disadvantage (i.e. Men claim it, but do not practice it; it is enforced upon women, but not condoned with men).

I will end with this thought – we cannot own the bodies of our lovers, although it is inevitable we seek control over them. Is it fear of engulfment, or abandonment, that drives us? Nobody is ‘naturally’ monogamous, so why swim against the river? Choose your course.

Mono-Normative Idealogies, assumptions, sexual monogamy is a pre-condition of love

Click to go to full pdf

 

Tentacle Art Porn

cthulhu japanese girl soon Tentacle Art Porn

Striking resemblance…

Yuji Moriguchi octopus tentacles girl

Yuji Moriguchi

Dani and I threw a party, that was how we met K. We hung out in front of my Mac googling Yuji Moriguchi. Sharing a boner over tentacle art porn is definitely a good way to get to know someone, I can highly recommend it. Although the possibilities of it going south immediately are pretty high. There’s so much of it though, so I suppose lots of people must like it. It’s like when hardcore can’t get any more hardcore, and then you throw in Cthulhu.

Yuji Moriguchi tentacle art porn

Yuji Moriguchi

Transgressive Relationships

My relationships with men mostly play out within a transgressive context. I didn’t know it at the time, but now with the benefit of hindsight, that was (is?) always the case. It probably came from being raised in an environment where sex was everywhere, yet remained taboo. Until recently, I’ve always found non-porn sex pretty boring. Sometimes I wonder how many times I’d actually fucked someone, and been aware they were that someone, and not a figment of my imagination or something that they represented.

Come to think of it, I had dated a handful of guys my grandma would have approved of. You know, small age gap, sweet, a few years out of college and doing well. But it never worked out, and I think of them as ‘just friends’. Almost as if our whole romantic history had been void of any eroticism. Which is not true of course; the transgressive element just plays such a large part in what I find erotic and memorable, that a nice, sweet, cis lover would never cut it.

The really transgressive relationships of course never worked out. In a way, they were fictive liaisons; literotica, porn. Fun in front of the camera, non-existent off screen. Mostly, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just entertainment. Lots of people enjoy transgressive sex. Some people can only enjoy sex this way, and some take it further and try to build a relationships out of it; some even succeed. I don’t stalk ex-lovers on social media, but occasionally cannot resist the occasional search. Some of them are now married, and some with young children. I look at the pictures of them with their kids and think, “hah, didn’t see that coming”, how did this happen? But then, you never really know what’s going on. I can only assume most of them are living nice, sweet, regular lives. Church and all. Who knows.

Was it me? Maybe. I read some research pointing out that until the age of 25, humans had no sense of their mortality. I also know I have a pretty strong and infectious imagination, and my blog was the cause of a lot of crazy ideas that eventually manifested themselves in real life. They were probably just regular guys.

No…

Actually, honestly, I don’t think any of them were. Some of them are pretending, some of them are poly and some of them are still single.

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