I discovered Franklin Veux’s venn diagram for non-monogamy. What this complex diagram brings home is that there’s no one way, or right way to have a non-monogamous relationship and that compromises in polyamory are its essence. The variety of possible relationships and ideal states tells me that everyone starts out with their own arbitrary markers or benchmarks of what’s preferred, tolerated or outright prohibited. Everyone has different comfort levels based on past experiences (or lack thereof), their fears, and what they want out of their relationships. However, experiences change according to the people we meet, and fears can be overcome.
Dani and I have been together for almost six years now, and our markers have slowly moved to accommodate each other. To date, I can’t say he’s tested my boundaries, or that that’s something he would even want to try. Although I constantly test his – because I have a deep seated fear of having my sexuality controlled and I need to have this fear disproven. Although when I discount for the actions and demands I have made due to this fear, I realise we’re on the same page after all. We both want partners that respect our relationship and genuinely want to be part of our lives, as we want to be part of theirs.